I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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