So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
