I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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