hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
