Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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