So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
