What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
