She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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