I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You pole danced in your parka.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
