If i could tip my vagina, i would.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
