Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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