if i can run in heels then i can drive
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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