Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
