I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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