i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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