Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
