dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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