What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
