How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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