Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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