Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
