i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
