i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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