Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
