tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
