Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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