Cold hands, warm shart.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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