i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
