Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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