I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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