I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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