woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
