my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
sex in a hospital.. check
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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