She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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