haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
