my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He shit in the fireplace
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
