Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
