just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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