be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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