Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
