i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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