WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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