I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You need a sexual gate keeper
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
