Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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