Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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