My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
