i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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