We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
