Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
