Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
