Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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